Worst film ever?

Everyone has a worst movie. That one film that you spend three hours of your life watching, when you'd rather be paying to catch ball-by-ball commentary of a Canada vs Kenya match.

That one stretch of time you remember that never ended while you sat squirming in a theatre, possibly alone, hoping for a meteor to hit you. Well, here is your chance to do one better. Happy Husbands is, quite possibly, one of the worst films of all times. Yes, including Subhash Ghai's Yaadein.

It (HH) is the kind of film that will grab your brain, put it in a juice blender and serve it up to Jabba the Hutt. If you're the kind who takes advice from film recommenders to "leave your brains at home", HH will go to your house, knock down the door and find it. And then it will use the juicer from your own kitchen.

You've questions? Allow me.

► What's the plot/story?

Cheating husbands learn life's lessons. Though the lesson bit constitutes exactly six seconds of this 34-month-long film. Mostly it's advice on how to cheat your wife.

► What about technical aspects?

So this guy Anay is the lead actor, director, story, screenplay, dialogue writer, playback singer, lyricist, editor, VFX guy, music director (songs and background), costume designer, and oh, not to forget, production designer.

Now to put things in perspective, 'production design' to this Renaissance man means downloading pictures of houses and office buildings from the net and using them as establishing shots. It's like giving a boy in North Korea Internet access and a video camera.

► Surely there must be something good about this film?
No. Unless you consider casting mutant Russians as extras gyrating with Anay, a good thing.

► Er, performances?
Anay's confidence is marvelous. To have such a stupefying lack of imagination in putting together a well-funded and well-promoted film (probably the budgets of Udaan and Love sex aur Dhokha put together) and still multitasking and acting with the confidence of Clint Eastwood, is case for psychoanalysts in Area 51.

► Could you at least give some indication what's in the film?

Fine, here's a scene: A sardar (Anay in another role!) is with a woman in a bed when his wife walks in. She is aghast. First he covers the mistress with a sheet. Then, he distracts the wife by pointing out to a phantom rat in the other direction.

There is some inane confusion. Mistress exits (not before stealing one last kiss). Wife calms down and looks the other way to find nobody there and is convinced that she was imagining things. According to Anay's character, this is the kinda mard who deserves respect. Now refer back to your first question.

► Enough! Stop!
Your eyes? I was the only person in the theater watching the 

film. And I am not even Anay.

► So there you are. There are three reasons to watch this film:
1. You are a masochist.

2. It's the perfect chance to have a theatre all to yourself.

3. You need a new worst film for conversation fodder.

Anay-one applies to you?